Twelve Years Later and it Still Hurts

Twelve years ago this week Jason was admitted to the hospital for the last time. He developed aspirating double pneumonia and when we arrived at the hospital, he was on a respirator in the Intensive Care Unit.

Obviously this was not the first time he was admitted to the hospital. However, this time something felt different. Seeing him on a respirator for the first time since birth shocked me. Is this a sign I need to pay attention to? He started his life on a respirator; will he end it the same way?

I had a nagging deep gut feeling his body has been deteriorating in the past few years. I began to prepare myself for the inevitable. Many times through the years I would ask his doctor what was his life expectancy, but never expected a response and never got one.

I went home for Thanksgiving that year but quickly returned to sit by his side. His lung capacity was weak and weaning him off the respirator was a concern. His bronchial passage was fragile and they were not sure they would be able to intubate him if it became necessary. The doctor highly suggested to place a tracheostomy so they could reinsert the respirator through the tracheostomy if necessary. The respirator was removed and he was breathing on his own.

Jason was discharged from the Intensive Care Unit on December 17th. He was not able to return to the home he lived in for the past twenty years because they didn’t have the ability to care for him with a tracheostomy. He was waiting a transfer to a new home.

He was considered stable and was to be transferred in a few days, so I decided to return to work since I was on emergency leave for over a month.

On December 22, 2006 I received a call at work. The doctor on call told me Jason stopped breathing and after several attempts to resuscitate him, he was pronounced dead. My initial reaction was shock. I believed he was in stable condition, I then was angry at him. Why did he die alone, without me to hold his hand.

After his funeral I came to terms with his death. Jason and I had a special relationship. I understood his needs. I realized his body lost it strength, his emotional and physical pain became to unbearable and he no longer was able to hide behind his smile. It was his choice. For the first time in his life he had control and he chose to leave the pain behind and find a better life in heaven. He is my guardian angel.

JOHN LENNON’S WORDS

When John Lennon wrote these beautifully potent words for this classic song, little did he know the affect they would have in today’s world. This version of John’s song by Pentatonic’s, touched me emotionally and reminded me of what I long for.

Each day we are subjected to our president’s misguided, outrageous twitter feeds. This man is suppose to be the most powerful man in the world. The only power he respects is his own and what he needs to do to continue to feed his own ego.

I still believe in what our country means to me. I am a peaceful person and I will try to continue to inspire you all through music and art with the hope of better days to come. I am a dreamer…..

Peace and hugs
Jude

WE LIVE IN A DANGEROUS WORLD

I hate to wake up each morning and turn on the TV.  One never knows what happened over night.  It appears, too often lately, we hear about another bomb, shooting spree and even a country attempting to be taken over by rebels.  However, how can I not turn on the television.  I need to be informed, no matter the consequences.

I often sit alone in my house crocheting another design.  I do not turn on the television because I enjoy the quietness and an opportunity to think about good times and fun memories of the past.  I grew up in the 1950-1960s as a child into young adulthood.  I lived in a large city – Philadelphia.  As you may know, Philadelphia is known for the city of neighborhoods and row homes.  I lived in Northeast Philadelphia in a row home on a small city street with one lane parking and very little traffic.

As a young child I would be out almost all day playing with my friends.  My mother didn’t need to fear for my safety.  We didn’t have electronic toys, computers or cell phones.  We used our imaginations.  How is that possible, you might ask?  Very easy, we were not distracted by all the garbage we have today.  We depended on ourselves to play.  A few games I remember are hopscotch, jax, throw a ball up against the side of the house with a friend for points, step ball, hide and seek and jump rope.

I really enjoyed sitting out at night on a warm summer evening and all children and parents were out as well.  Sometimes we played kick ball in the street, children against the parents.  Everyone got along and had fun.

Halloween was especially fun because my sister and I would go with our friends to different streets and stay out as late as 10 or 11 at night, depending if it was a school night. We had no fears and neither did our parents.  We use to gather at the corners of each street and share what house was giving out money or the best candy.

I am sharing and reminiscing with you because life is not like this anymore.  I miss it.  What I especially miss is the feeling of being safe.  I didn’t know I wasn’t safe.  I would also travel on the buses and trains all over the city by myself to go to the orthodontists or a volunteer job I had for the summer.

When I was eighteen I took the train to downtown Philly and walked several blocks to where we would meet the bus to take us to Fort Dix or McQuire Airforce base to attend a USO dance.  My friends and I would take the train home with no fear, other than watching the large rats scampering along the walls.

I fear for my children and grandchildren and what their life wlll be like twenty some years from now.  I may or may not still be here on earth, but I hope and pray we will have a safer world to live in.  I only wished they had the experiences I had as a child.

Raising my sons were not too bad.  We lived on a larger street but we were very lucky to always have wonderful neighbors who were supportive, loving and I will always be grateful for those years raising my sons, 1979-2000.

Yes…we do live in a dangerous world today.  Dear friends…please be diligent in what you do on the internet and the phone calls you receive that can be scams.  I learned the hard way, as you know, from a previous post.  They are looking for people who appear vulnerable on the internet.  The older generation who are not up to date with technology can easily be scammed, are their targets.  Be diligent and careful dear friends.  I pray for all your safetly.  At the same time…do not give in to this fear, be careful and have safe fun.

Hugs,

Jude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Independence Day – Discrimination??

Who are we who live in a land of freedom?
We are all human beings on the outside and in our souls.
We all wish for peace and freedom no matter of our heritage
or the color of our skin, sexual orientation and religious folds.

Some of our ancestors fled from their home because of their religion,
Hoping to arrive by ship to the shores of promising peace.
They arrived in a strange world so different in many ways;
their bravery trusting this strange land would give them many years of peaceful relief.

For many years we celebrated the day, July 4, 1776,
to acknowledge the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
It was a proud day in our history.
We became a land where all people were considered free.

Why am I confused? Doesn’t freedom include all people?
Apparently not, since some have been fighting the right of
discrimination since July 4,1776.

When we gather with our family and friends this weekend,
please remember we have more work to do.
We all have the right to freedom
regardless of our color, religion, body shape, sexual orientation, disabilities,culture and ethnicity.

Friends…I wish you a fun and peaceful weekend with your friends and family.

Jude

MY THOUGHTS ON DEATH

WRITING PROMPT

If I find out I was going to die in five years, how would I find out and what would I do in my last five years?

I am in the last stage of my life now that I turned 65 last August. I officially graduated to senior standards the day I received my Medicare card in the mail. For practical and according to our countries standards, I’m basically an old fart. However, for my standards, I reached the best years’ of my life. I walk three miles a week, work 12 hours a week and I’m having a blast, doing what I choose to do when I want to. I am as busy as I was raising twin toddlers, one who had special needs. According to my doctor at my last check up, I’m extremely healthy. Having to think about death doesn’t scare me. I see it as part of the life cycle. When it’s my time, God will know.

Possibly God will visit me in my dreams and will whisper, oh so gently, “Jude I am coming for you to take you to your loved ones in five years.”

I would certainly appreciate the heads up and will make each day, every hour and each minute and second count. I will dedicate the remaining days of my life watching my grandchildren excel and prosper in their individual dreams and goals. I will mend my fractured soul and search for continued happiness within myself and my loved ones. I want to experience signs of peace in our world with the hope the violence will begin to mend.

I will work on paying it forward by mentoring, guiding, teaching and supporting families with special needs children.

Dear God:

I sincerely ask you wait at least twenty more years to send me your message because I still haven’t finished the work you asked of me when you gave me Jason.

Thank you for your consideration of this request

Hugs
Jude

Diversity in My Words

According to Dictionary.com, diversity is defined as difference of opinion, individuals representing more than one national origin, color, religion, socioeconomic stratum, sexual orientation and diversity of the workplace.  The key phrase in the definition is a point of difference.

POINT OF DIFFERENCE

As human beings we all represent ourselves in different manifestations.  We look different in stature, shape of our bodies, color of our hair, eyes, nose, and mouth. 

 We communicate in different languages, accents and in the way one communicates if one is deaf and uses sign language.  A person may use facial gestures, eye movements or expressions to communicate if this is their only ability to be understood.

There are those who are different in their ability to present themselves in actions such as their personality for which can be expressed in a negative way because of a life experience.  We all are different in our ability to communicate, either expressing our thoughts aggressively or passively.  

Some of us have differences that are hidden such as a mental condition for which they have no control of or a physical disability that could be very apparent such as loss of limbs, inability to use their limbs, deafness, blindness, severe physical disability that is difficult for one to accept when approached.

Finally, we are different in our nationality, religion, culture, who we choose as mates , race and difference in customs within our family traits.

I can go on and on pointing out the many diverse differences amongst human beings.  However, the point I am expressing here is we need to understand we are all going to have differences but what we in this difficult world we live in, somehow need to learn how to accept each other’s differences in order to change our attitude with each other and within ourselves.

We may be different on the surface but inside our bodies we are all human beings on this earth.

Peace my friends,

Jude

Make Love, Not War…..

Louis Armstrong
A Wonderful World

 

I am compelled to write this post because of all the hatred in our world today.  I watch the news daily seeing all the murders in our cities and world, riots, terrorist attacks, racism and political drama.  I am sick of it.

I grew up in the 1960’s and experienced war for the first time.  I watched the men go off to war not knowing if they would return.  I watched the rioting in our streets on television related to racism and the Vietnam conflict. I, like most of us, was drawn to tears with the assassinations of John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King. I myself experienced rioting at a nearby school in 1969.  I was escorted by the police, along with my fellow classmates, to the buses outside our school so that we can safely return home.  I didn’t quite understand it back then, being so young and inexperienced as well.

Today I am older and wiser, but I still don’t  get it, or better yet, I don’t want to get it.  I am embarrassed from the political bickering in Congress and the Senate.  I want to be the young child again back in the 1960’s asking for “Make love, not war.”

I am going to remind you through pictures that we have a beautiful world and we should cherish it.  The words from Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World” says it all and we should never forget it.

I want the powers to be throughout our country and world to stop their childish bickering.  After I am no longer living in my troubled world, I hope my grandchildren and their children will experience the beauty of life and be safe without war, racism and politically child-like bickering.

This is my wish as we begin the 2014 holiday season and celebrate a new year with 2015.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends. I send you all virtual HUGS for peace, prosperity, and love…

Jude

FRIENDS

friends

THE STORY OF MY LIFE – ONE DIRECTION

The story of my life is an appropriate song for this blog post and the painting about friends. Ever since I was a young girl I wanted to have friends. However, I was shy and was only comfortable with one friend at a time. When another girl began to compete with our friendship, I always gave up and walked away. That is basically the story of my life.

I wanted to be the girl with a lot of friends but did not know how. I met a young girl back in grade school who, for some reason, clung onto me and never let go. We still see each other periodically and she will never cease to tell me how much she misses me and loves me. I feel the same way. We are totally different in personalities but we are life long friends.

After graduating from high school and I began to attend USO dances during the Vietnam War, I met two life long friends who are very dear to me. Even during a long period of my life when I had no contact with anyone because of my son, they never left me. We reconnected again and I cherish their friendship very much.

During the years taking care of my son I met a very dear friend who also had a special needs child. We needed each other’s friendship through the years for support and socialization. We are still very close and she will always be very important in my life.

Because of Facebook my life changed dramatically. I now have many friends who I communicate with on a regular basis. Many of them are from my high school days when I thought nobody cared. I now know that wasn’t so. I reconnected and I am surrounded by wonderful, compassionate men and woman who care about me and my welfare. I learned a very important lesson and it took 60 some years to realize it. Oh well…I hope to have many more years to enjoy them. LOL

Hugs,
Judy

A New Painting

This young woman appears to be looking over to her left contemplating the real meaning of the quote.

She is wondering if God really makes us strong enough to help the weak, rich to serve the poor, happy to cheer the sad and good to get us through the bad. Can God do all that and help her get through the bad in her life?

What do you think??

Hugs
Jude

Two New Paintings Completed

I am busy this fall showing at local craft shows. I have three this month, two in November and two in December so far. In addition to the above I received the proof of my book which needs to be proofread again before it is finalized. With that being said I also visit the gym three days a week and babysit my grandchildren on Tuesday for 14 hours. Wooo….I am tired just thinking about it. Don’t let me fool you…I love every minute I spend with all my activities, especially my grandchildren.

Below are two completed paintings. I tried a new technique using tracing paper. I trace either a found image or an image from my sketch book and trace them. I collage the tracing paper with the image on the painting. What is cool about this technique is the tracing paper is so thin that when it is placed on the painting you can see the mixed media background through it. I really like how it turned out and definitely will be using this technique again.

I do not like my handwriting and I am always looking for a way to print my quotes without typing them. By using the tracing paper I can trace over the letters and it appears like I printed it. It also allows me to overlap images that really gives it a cool look.

Disability Awareness

Disability Awareness

Cool isn’t it?

I am hoping this fall will be a positive experience for me. I really want to spread the word about my inspiration paintings and the positive effects they can make in my community. Disability awareness is my priority along with equality and peace. Of course it would be nice to sell a painting or two. My inner critic needs to “shut up” and only one sale will do the job. 🙂

Have a great day
Hugs
Jude