POEM – I CANNOT CRY

I wrote this poem after a few months in therapy. I am learning so much about myself and how amazing our inner souls react to years of stress and challenges. This poem expresses what I have learned so far and why I have felt I was living outside of my body for many years.

I CANNOT CRY

I cannot feel sadness;
I cannot cry.
The tears are not there;
dear God, please tell me why.

I had a very challenging life
which caused me to be withdrawn.
Dear God, is this why I cannot cry
because the tears are all gone.

I want to feel emotion after many years of not,
how can I let go of all my anger
dear God, if my heartache will not stop.

God answered me in my dreams;
he said my dear you need to let go
Of all the pain within.
He said if I do not let go,
a new happy life will not begin.

I believe God supported me through the years.
I do not believe he is the cause of my lack of tears.
I believe he helped me through the pain
and taught me to be strong for which I gained.

I must reach out to him once more
to help me let go of my painful years
and guide me one more time
to help me bring back my tears.

Judith Iris Quate

ANGER – HOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT- HOW TO MANAGE IT

How completely blessed I am to have found someone who has the ability to help me find my way back after many years of uncertainty. It was during our session yesterday when she helped me acknowledge, since 2006, after my son passed away, the deep anger I have so expertly hidden from the world and myself.

I have been channeling my anger in ways that were not mentally healthy and has created a tremendous strain in my life with my husband and son. The mind is a very complicated organ that can store details of life experiences that one cannot deal with. It cannot store it forever, it overflows and spills, exhibiting physical symptoms such as anxiety disorders.

She helps me realize the source of my anger. She encourages me to open up and acknowledge them and then find a way to deal with the anger issues. This is the only way I will heal. I need to turn my anger in a positive form so I can achieve peace within my heart and soul.

I know the only way to accomplish this for me is to pay it forward. The first step I took was writing my book, Our Special Child, Jason’s Story. In the book I spilled out my soul with every word. My emotions were real and in this book was the first time I expressed my feelings of anger and quickly tucked them away again because they hurt too much.

NOTE: Our Special Child, Jason’s Story is available to purchase on my website at http://www.scrapperjudedesigns.com.

I need to express them here in order to confront them and set up a plan to deal with them. I am angry about the lack of support I received when Jason was discharged after four months in the NICU unit. I am angry that Jason was abused at a respite center treating him like he wasn’t a real person, just another “physically/”retarded”child who deserved it; and getting away with their actions. I am angry at the misguided laws in 1986 where the only choice we had to secure excellent medical care was to agree to move our child, at the age of eight, away from his family.

I don’t know what changes have been made since 1986 but I promise you I will find out. I am now an advocate and I’m starting with the state of Pennsylvania traveling to our state capital next week. I am working with the Skills of Central Pa, the organization who provided the care for my son for twenty years.

Yes I am channeling my anger in a positive way so the appropriate changes are made.

Hugs Jude

Jason – A Poem

I have been inspired. I challenged myself to write a poem. I hope you like my first attempt in poetry.

I am always willing to challenge myself; try something new. If you are inspired by something, go for it. If you like the results and you are proud of your accomplishment, then you succeeded in your goal and it doesn’t matter what others think

A child is born
so tiny and frail,
his little body
is no bigger than a snail.

He is born premature,
needing a tube to breath;
because his lungs are
unable to be free.

Because of his strong fragility,
a blood vessel burst,
his future is now in the hands
of an uncontrolled curse.

This little baby grew to become
a young boy with many frailties.
It soon becomes quite apparent
he will live his life with disabilities.

This did not stop him from becoming
a young man with a beautiful smile
that lights up a room
you can see for many miles.

This young boy grows to manhood
full of spirit and hope.
The many people who are honored to know him,
learn a valuable lesson in how to cope.

One day this gentle soul of a young man
whose smile can no longer hide his pain.
Understanding his life will soon end
because God has a new plan.

His days on earth are over but do not be upset,
God has taken him under his wing
teaching him a rewarding job that will be his next quest.

He now serves as a guardian angel
who watches over his loving family.
He has a more important mission that promises to be,
a job that will fulfill everyone’s life so important indeed.

Hugs
Jude