Twelve Years Later and it Still Hurts

Twelve years ago this week Jason was admitted to the hospital for the last time. He developed aspirating double pneumonia and when we arrived at the hospital, he was on a respirator in the Intensive Care Unit.

Obviously this was not the first time he was admitted to the hospital. However, this time something felt different. Seeing him on a respirator for the first time since birth shocked me. Is this a sign I need to pay attention to? He started his life on a respirator; will he end it the same way?

I had a nagging deep gut feeling his body has been deteriorating in the past few years. I began to prepare myself for the inevitable. Many times through the years I would ask his doctor what was his life expectancy, but never expected a response and never got one.

I went home for Thanksgiving that year but quickly returned to sit by his side. His lung capacity was weak and weaning him off the respirator was a concern. His bronchial passage was fragile and they were not sure they would be able to intubate him if it became necessary. The doctor highly suggested to place a tracheostomy so they could reinsert the respirator through the tracheostomy if necessary. The respirator was removed and he was breathing on his own.

Jason was discharged from the Intensive Care Unit on December 17th. He was not able to return to the home he lived in for the past twenty years because they didn’t have the ability to care for him with a tracheostomy. He was waiting a transfer to a new home.

He was considered stable and was to be transferred in a few days, so I decided to return to work since I was on emergency leave for over a month.

On December 22, 2006 I received a call at work. The doctor on call told me Jason stopped breathing and after several attempts to resuscitate him, he was pronounced dead. My initial reaction was shock. I believed he was in stable condition, I then was angry at him. Why did he die alone, without me to hold his hand.

After his funeral I came to terms with his death. Jason and I had a special relationship. I understood his needs. I realized his body lost it strength, his emotional and physical pain became to unbearable and he no longer was able to hide behind his smile. It was his choice. For the first time in his life he had control and he chose to leave the pain behind and find a better life in heaven. He is my guardian angel.

Poem

Today is the 11th anniversary of my son Jason’s death. I am sharing a poem I wrote remembering and honoring his life

Jason S. Quate

09/08/1978 – 12/22/2006

A child is born

so tiny and frail,

his little body

is no bigger than a snail.

He is born premature,

needing a tube to breath;

because his lungs are

unable to be free.

Because of his strong fragility,

a blood vessel burst,

his future is now in the hands

of an uncontrolled curse.

This little baby grew to become

a young boy with many frailties

and It soon became quite apparent

he will live his life with disabilities.

This did not stop him from becoming

a young man with a beautiful smile

that could light up a room

you can see for many miles

This young boy grew to manhood

full of spirit and hope.

The many people who were honored to know him,

learned a valuable lesson in how to cope.

One day this gentle soul of a young man

whose smile can no longer hide his pain,

understanding his life will soon end

because God has for him a new plan.

His days on earth are over but do not be upset,

God has taken him under his wing

teaching him a rewarding job that will be his next quest.

He now serves as a guardian angel

who watches over his loving family.

He has a more important mission that promises to be,

a job that will fulfill everyone’s life so important to me.

“ANGEL”

This is the time of year when we think about our loved ones who have passed on to heaven. For me, it will be the tenth anniversary of our son and brother who passed away on December 22nd. May he Rest In Peace.

For those of you who are in pain from loss, I hope this post will bring you comfort. It will take some time to heal from losing a loved one. Please allow me to give you wise advice; try and find away to move forward and pay tribute by moving on, letting go and take care of you.

I was smothered in loss. I found a therapist who is helping me to find myself again as a woman. Jason is now in a special place in my heart where his memory gives me peace. You need to do this as well.

May god bless you all
Hugs
Jude