Emotions

For most people this time of the year is full of happiness with both Thanksgiving and the Christmas and Hanukkah holiday season upon us. We gather with our family, exchange gifts, share in delicious traditional feasts and celebrate life and the beginning of hope for the upcoming new year.

There are other people who have no family to exchange gifts, enjoy a meal or have someone to celebrate the season with. I cannot imagine being alone during this time of year. I hope if you know someone who may be alone, ask them to join your family. I will.

For many years the holidays were full of excitement in my family. I traditionally hosted the Thanksgiving dinner at my house and always had a house full of people. I loved the preparation, cooking and the feeling of belonging.

We traditionally have a Hanukkah party. In the past I especially loved watching everyone open their gifts, especially the children with their eyes full of pleasure. The floor would be covered with wrapping paper, ribbon and opened boxes. Jason always became lost amongst the array of trash. When we found him, he would be laughing with joy.

The holidays are not the same in my family after losing many loving family members. I am sure this is the case in your families as well. I miss my parents and my in-laws. I also miss my brother-in- law who left us way too soon.

Today I received a reminder in the mail from the funeral parlor who arranged the burial of my dear Jason. They are reminding me that his Yahrzeit candle should be lit on December 23rd this year. In the Jewish religion we pay tribute to our close family with the lighting of a Yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of their death according to the Jewish calendar.

This harshly brought me back to reality. I just lit my mother’s candle last week. You see, loved ones even die during, what should be, a happy holiday season. My mom died a day before Thanksgiving in 1986, and my dear, sweet son died December 22, 2006.

I miss them so very much. I am grateful for my memories. I am also grateful I can share Jason’s life with the world in 2015, with my newly published book, Our Special Child-Jason’s Story.

I do have something to look forward to.

I am going to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner at my son’s house with my grandchildren. I have no doubt my dear departed loved ones will be there in spirit.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. All my love,

Hugs from Jude

My Relationship with God

For many years I had a love/hate relationship with god. I was confused, frustrated, angry and somewhat baffled trying to understand who my god was. I was raised Jewish and I am proud to be a Jewish female. I attended Sunday school as a child where I was taught the history of the Jewish people and their culture and learned about our many holiday traditions. I visited my grandparents three times a year in upstate New York who were fanatically orthodox and spoke only Yiddish. As I watched quietly, not to disturb my grandfather, early in the morning wrapping a Tefillin around his chest and arms and start davening. I wondered, is this many years of tradition expanding generations without any real religious purpose. Is this who I really am? Do I want to continue generational traditions that don’t have true meaning to me? I found the answers to the questions much later in life that gave me the true meaning of believing in myself.

Life has a way of opening your eyes and allowing one to find their way through hills and valleys that molds a human being. I was dealt many difficult hills and a few valleys mingled within the hills. I was forced to find meaning in my challenges. I had to because I needed a way to survive the inner turmoil I was experiencing. I found “my god ” in a spiritual form for which I found comfort. I began to believe “my god” gave me my life of challenges for many reasons. He needed to find a woman who would be strong, loving and resourceful to care for a special child. He found me to be this woman to care for this special child. He knew who who I was and what was hidden in me. He gave me my son who would help me find the strength, wisdom and resourcefulness I had hidden deep inside my soul.

In order to put all the above in perspective I was given a gift from god and I will be forever in his debt. You might ask….why are you still believing in your spiritual god after he took your loving son away after only 28 years? I must admit I had some difficulty understanding the devastation I experienced losing my dear son so young. However, I eventually realized god needed to take him home again because his job was finished here on earth. He has another job now. He is my guardian angel guiding me to use my skills to help others who are struggling with their special needs children. He helped me write a book and find my voice through inspirational and spiritual painting.

I am very proud of my heritage and I found strength through using my religion in a spiritual way which has made me a very happy and contented woman. I don’t know where it would lead me but I hope it will help me to continue spreading awareness to others.